How?

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How do you get through the bad days?  Today has just felt like the longest day ever.  My husband works 12 hour shifts and he worked today.  So far, staying busy has helped but today it’s not working.  I took a bath.  That didn’t help.  Tried to watch TV.  I can’t concentrate.  I addressed some x mas cards….anything to stay busy.  Gosh, I still feel so on edge.  I can’t stop crying today.  It’s so quiet.

 

we did apply to be a foster family.  That was this past Thursday but we haven’t heard anything yet.  Neither my husband nor I are ready for a new dog of our own.  I’m not ready to give me heart away because Bosco is my heart.  But…it would feel good to help a dog in need.  I can give him or her a good home for a bit.  I like walks.   Hopefully it would be a win win for the dog and us.

 

I miss Bosco.  I have been questioning if euthanizing him was the right call.  Did we do the right thing for him?  Was it the right time?  If only I had an answer for these questions.  He really was the best dog ever.


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12 thoughts on “How?”

  1. I wish so much I knew the answer to this. It’s been almost 2 months since we lost Fallon, and I could use the relief. Just wanted to let you know you’re not alone, and this level of suffering is definitely not uncommon. When you lose the love of your life, you hurt. You second guess choices where, without the crystal ball there’s no way of knowing. The one thing we do know is you made every choice with Bosco–the center of your universe’s best interest at heart, with the best information you had at the time. The suffering seems like it will never end.

    Someone here, Tom, I think, wrote about dogs filling holes in our heart until our heart is all dog, or something profoundly similar pointing toward adopting another–and I agree. If I wasn’t lazy I’d look it up, because it was really good. We’re not ready here either, but have gone out to meet dogs twice, and twice have gotten excited about a possible new family member, greyhounds who would fit really well in our family–one was Patriot, one was Danica. But neither were Fallon, so we came home empty-handed. But none will ever be Fallon, or Bosco, or any dog who ever existed–they’re unique beings, and a fresh love and adventure. So anyway, fostering feels like a good step toward healing–a chance to love and help without necessarily a lifetime commitment…only if you want one.

    I do find I have more decent days now than horrible, and I hope you find the same. I’ve burned many bridges withdrawing over the past 2 months, and I hope you haven’t done the same, because coming back out of your hole can be really difficult I’m finding that, anyway.

    Wishing you some level of peace and comfort, and sending hugs <3

    1. Dawn thank you. I had to step away for a few days. Grief can be so overwhelming. Please accept my condolences for Fallon. I read your post about the beach trip when you posted a while ago. I know she was your world as Bosco is mine. I’m sorry that you ended up burning some bridges in your grief. I don’t know why people don’t understand. But yeah I am right there with you. I lost two friends because I couldn’t spend time with them while Bosco needed care. I’ll write a post about that later. We did end up getting a foster dog. She is sweet but she is not Bosco. Not even close. Having her arround helps and it brings things up. She makes me laugh. I feel badly that I can’t love her like I want to yet, I can give her a safe place to be. I’m kind to her and I can train her. Sweet little girl,is Jon Snow. She knows nothing. Sigh…she isn’t Bosco. I want him back. I miss him so much.

  2. Well Dawn, the way I heard it is that when you lose a dog, they take a piece of your heart, but when you get a new dog, they give you a piece of theirs. Over time, and many dogs, you get to have mostly dog heart, and that’s a very good thing.

    The other thing to remember is that dogs live their lives quicker than we do so that we get to know and love many over the course of our own lives.

    I’ve told the dog heart story many times, and been thanked many times. The key thing to remember is that a new dog can never replace a dog you’ve lost. Instead, they bring the opportunity for new smiles and new memories.

    As for Bosco, everything I remember hearing tells me that it was his time. You know, I lost my mom 15 months ago. Actually, I lost her more like three years ago when her body started failing her in multiple ways and dementia set in. During her last month, I often stated that we allow our pets to pass with greater dignity than we do our parents, and that’s what I believe you did for Bosco. The other thing I say about Mom is that she had 85 great years, and then two that weren’t so hot. Then Jake, who we lost last summer, had thirteen good years and then two that weren’t so hot. Think about the good times, and I’ll bet you can say something similar about Bosco.

    1. I’m so sorry about your mom and Jake. I hate typing through tears! Yes, Bosco had so many more good days than bad. The memories are comforting but I would give anything to see him for just one more day.

  3. I read your post. Re-read.. will probably read again as I post this. From my heart.
    You were the best pawrents that Bosco boy could have ever imagined. You were a dog’s wildest dream.. serious.
    Denial is part of the grieving process. It comes in many shapes and forms.
    You did not wait too long, you did not move too quickly, it was time.

    You NEED to cry… you are grieving. You need to process all of this. Eventually you will find laughter and tears.. many times at the same time. You will never get “over it”. That is such a foolish term. What happens as you go through the grieving process, is that your heart calms slowly.

    You finally start to recognize the normal things in life and little by little your heart calms. Acceptance is what it is, I think. Anger is there too .. I think Acceptance comes after and then Anger mingles in and out with it.

    Finally your heart taps you on the shoulder and reminds you why you are so sad. And you smile.

    The memories of all the things that made you love each other come back and hold your heart. You find yourself remembering something totally hysterical and you laugh.. then sometimes you cry, but it is a little different. Your heart helps you remember that is was a happy moment. Your memories make you smile, and they are the thing that you hold on to.

    When I was working with animals for a profession, I helped a lot of people assist their furbabies over to the other side of the Bridge both in Animal Control and as a Vet Tech.

    I have also lost a lot of souls that I took in because I always took what nobody else wanted.

    Please give yourself the grace to grieve. It is totally acceptable, I don’t care who else tells you different. You WILL process this and in the end Bosco will be the golden glow around your heart.
    Remember, “It is better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved at all.” ~Alfred Lord Tennyson

    Bosco gave you a gift, and you have truly honored him. The reason this hurts so much is because he gave you the gift of love. And he was worth every moment of it.

    I think fostering is a great idea. I truly think it is too early to consider another companion. Sometimes when you jump too quickly out of loneliness you end up comparing the one you have to the one you lost, and the new one always loses.

    Fostering will keep you busy. Eventually you may “fail” (adopt) lol. In the meantime you have a lot of love, and that love would be beautifully served helping other furbabies find their forever home.

    I hope this helps.. I hope I haven’t rambled too much.

    My thoughts and my heart are with you and your family.

    Jackie

    1. Jackie,
      Thank you. Just thank you. I’m sobbing reading this. Right now I can’t really see so well to type but please know how much I appreciate your words. This has been the hardest loss for me. We did end up getting a foster dog. She is so sweet but I don’t think I can give her the love she deserves. I can be a band aid and get her o her forever family. She is precious but she is not Bosco and sometimes I just feel empty.

  4. Unfortunately, it just takes time. I am so sorry that you are going through this. Questioning your decision is so normal, it’s the only way to heal. In your heart, you probably already know it was the best call for your sweet boy, but your brain just needs time to adjust.

    Keeping busy, helping others and doing creative things in honor of Bosco can definitely help you feel like you are moving toward healing. I hope you get the foster dog, I’ll bet it will work wonders to get your spirit in a better place.

    Hang in there and know that you can lean on us.

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