Limitless

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On Sunday we planted a tree for Bosco.  I would always speak for Bosco and say, “Don’t limit me.”  It’s a phrase from the Down’s community.  We decided to call the tree limitless.  I sure hope spirit Bosco has come by to pee on it.  🙂

 

If you look closely you can see that the tree is a tripod!

 

 


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Luv is a three legged word

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one week ago today my husband and I said goodbye to our heart dog, Bosco.   I don’t really know what to say…

I’m incredibly grateful for the support of this community.  This was one of the hardest things I have gone through and this community has given me strength.  Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Bosco developed diarrhea that lasted over a month on and off.  Also he wasn’t eating much.  He looked as if he was having difficulty chewing and he bit his lip.  It bleed.  He lost muscle so quickly.  His face was sunken in and it happened overnight.  Despite all of this he was so bright eyed.  My husband is struggling and wonders if we waited too long to say good bye.  I wonder if we did it too soon.

We had a hospice vet come to the house.  She was so kind.  She waited until we were ready.  I read part of Jerry’s comment from my last post to Bosco so he would know Jerry (the dog) would be there to show him arround.  I told Bosco he didn’t need to be afraid of other dogs anymore either.  He can trust them now.  He’s had a hard time around other dogs for a long time.  My husband read some memories of our time together.  Then I read a poem.  It was just right.  Perfect for my heart.  (I told him that he wasn’t just my heart dog but that he is my whole heart.  And he sure is.).  My husband showed Bosco a few things that he liked like his life jacket, a tennis ball, and a milk bone.  Bosco has always surprised us and that day was no different.  He had only been eating soft foods broken up in small pieces.  But, he wanted the milk bone.  He actually ate the whole thing!  He made us laugh, on that terrible day.

 

When Dr. Alie gave him the first injection Bosco didn’t react to it.  He just keep looking at my husband and I.  It was a gentle process.  We were at home.  He was on his thick orthopedic bed and on the back porch which was one of his favorite spots.  He left this world calmly and surrounded by so much love.

 

After, we stayed with him for several hours.  That might sound strange, but when my parents put our last family dog to sleep she was gone so quickly.  It felt too abrupt.  So we kept Bosco with us.  We cleaned him up, washing the ink off his paws.  His sweet snowy muzzle was stained orange from baby food.  I couldn’t scrub his face while he was alive.  Also we cleaned his poor raw bottom.  My husband and I both felt like it was the right thing to do for him.

 

we brought him inside and put him on his bed.  We sat by him, petted him, and just cried.  I clipped some of his fur.  That always feels wrong to me somehow.  As if I am taking something from him.  So, I cut a lock of my hair and tucked it under his leg.  Don’t ask me why, but It made me feel better.

Then, a very nice man from a local crematorium came to pick him up.  My husband and I both kissed Bosco and said our last goodbyes.  As he drove away with my boy, my heart broke again.  It was the last time I saw my precious Bosco.

 

We went for for a walk around the neighborhood.  Being in the house is so strange and quite now.  My husband told Bosco before he passed that we were going for a walk and that he could come.  I swear for a moment, I felt him with us.

We went hiking the next day on a trail that we would take Bosco on in the smokies.  My husband did something….ridiculous.  It’s silly and kind of embarrassing so I don’t want to say what exactly, but Bosco would have liked it.  I collected some river rocks and acorns.  Bosco loved to chase the squirrels.

Later that day we were able to pick up his remains.  We are so grateful that he didn’t have to stay at the crematorium over the weekend.  The place we picked him up at was a nice house (home /office) by a lake.  It was comforting to think that Bosco was by water, he loved it so much.

Everything feels hollow right now.  But, we are trying to cope.  I made a memorial candle/ jar for him.  I put the river rocks and acorns in it along with some sea shells from our trip to Charleston.  I have lit the candle every night since he passed.  Also we’re planting a tree for him on Sunday.

 

Its been a long journey.  Our lives have been so wrapped up in Bosco’s care that I’m not quite sure what to do with myself when I’m not at work.

 

I miss Bosco, my heart.

This is the candle I made.

The Poem…….

Loved You Best
Copyright © Jim Willis 2002, All Rights Reserved

So this is where we part, My Friend,
and you’ll run on, around the bend,
gone from sight, but not from mind,
new pleasures there you’ll surely find.

I will go on, I’ll find the strength,
life measures quality, not its length.
One long embrace before you leave,
share one last look, before I grieve.

There are others, that much is true,
but they be they, and they aren’t you.
And I, fair, impartial, or so I thought,
will remember well all you’ve taught.

Your place I’ll hold, you will be missed,
the fur I stroked, the nose I kissed.
And as you journey to your final rest,
take with you this…I loved you best.

 

I’m so glad we had some professional pictures taken of him.  This was last December.  He worked so hard that day.

I set out some of his favorite things and some pictures before he passed.  His float coat was hanging off the back porch.  The place I always put it to dry after swimming.

Below is Bosco eating his Birthday cake the day before he passed.  We froze it because he couldn’t eat it on his actual Birthday.  He snatched the  whole thing!  We had to fish it out of his mouth and cut it up.  There were many things he could no longer do during his final days but he could still make us laugh.

 

Is it time?

Bosco has really declined in the last week.  My poor boy is barely eating.  He is drinking enough though.  He is bright eyed and alert.  But, his face is sunken in due to muscle loss.

 

We met with a hospice vet yesterday.  She came to the house and assessed Bosco.  She felt that his quality of life is significantly diminished.  It is.  We used to take him out in the stroller, go swimming, and make him yummy treats.  The best we can do now is walk him in a garden cart because he can’t sit up.

 

But is is it really time.  The vet felt he wasn’t suffering but is on the verge.  Does that mean it’s time?  I can’t quite wrap my mind around this.  I had hopped to let him have a natural death.  Yet I really don’t want him to suffer and I want to be with him when he passes. Are we giving up on him?  It feels that way a little.  Is it really an act of love???  I hope so.

 

my husband and I have the day off tomorrow and Thursday.  We are spending tomorrow with him.  We will love on him and spoil him as much as we can.  Then, on Thursday the hospice vet is coming.  She is wonderful.  She has agreed to let us keep Bosco’s body with us for a few hours after.  When my parents dog and the one I grew up with passed, her body was taken almost immediately.  It felt so abrupt.  We will have, In a way, our own wake.  That feels more comfortable to me.

 

we need to find a poem to read on the day.  Any suggestions?  I just can’t think straight or concentrate right now.

 

We we are thinking cremation.  It’s not my first choice but we may move one day so burying him may not be the right choice.  They remains can be mailed or given to a vet.  Wow, I can’t imagine mailing him.  So our holistic vet has graciously agreed to accept his remains.  This feels unreal.  What I’m writing now, what we’re living.  How is this possible.  It wasn’t supposed to happen like this.

 

 

#heartdog

Things have been rough lately.  Bosco still can’t walk.  It’s been almost 4 1/2 months.  He started having diarrhea on his birthday (9/15).  He had one day that it became bloody.  The vet said that the Prednisone he takes could be causing the problem.  She suggested a course of Flagile.  We did that, he got better, and then a few days after finishing the med he started to have more stomach issues. So, the vet said he could stay on the med indefinitely.  (That broke my heart because it means we are doing palliative care now.). So, we continued to give the flagile and things got better again until he stopped eating the bland foods the vet wanted him on.  Because he would not eat I offered other foods.  He liked steak and canned tuna.  So I was thrilled he was eating but it’s causing diarrhea again.

 

Its been several days now now that he has had very soft stool or full blown diarrhea.  His rear end is so swollen and he’s bleeding a little.  I have been cleaning him as gently as possible with baby wipes but it’s taking a toll.  The blood is definitely coming from his skin/ external.  Has anyone dealt with this?  Is there anything I can put on him to help?  Aloe or tucks pads maybe?  I texted my holistic vet about it but haven’t heard back yet.

 

The holistic vet did give us a referral to another vet who does euthanasia.  She’s basically a hospice vet.  It looks like she takes paw prints, paw impressions, and other things along with euthanasia and cremation.  I guess it’s a small comfort to feel prepared in case we have to make that decision.  Although I would like to let things happen naturally if it’s possible, without Bosco being in pain.  This is really hard.

 

I’m wondering if anyone has had difficulty dealing with family or friends who have different views or would make different choices for thier pets?  I’m dealing with a crappy situation with a friend and I just don’t know what to do.  I would welcome any advice.

 

I have a friend who I used to work out with a lot and I work with her too.  As Bosco’s health declined and especially as his mobility declined I or my husband had to be home with him.  So, we were able to work out out schedules so that one of us could be here.  That meant that I couldn’t go to the gym often.  I explained all of this to my friend but she began to act differently arround me (quiet).  This friend also got engaged a year ago.  She sent me a save the date card.  She invited me to her bachelorette party and wedding shower.  I couldn’t go to either because my husband was working and I had no one to care for Bosco.  We would need a vet tech to watch him because he needs his bladder expressed and we have to turn him to avoid pressure sores because he can’t.  It’s hard and it’s very physical.

 

So, I have explained the situation to my friend and apologized for not making it.  I got her a shower gift.  On the day of her bachelorette party, I texted her to say that I hoped she had fun and that I wish I could be there.  She seemed happy I did that.  Then a month before the wedding she texted to ask how she should get the wedding invitation to me.  I thought it was an odd question and I assumed she didn’t want to mail it so save money.  So she said she would send it through the office mail system.  Well you can guess where this is going.  I never got an invitation.  And, the wedding is this Saterday out of town.  She texted me two days ago and asked me if I would watch her dog for her while she was “Out of town”! !!  So…clearly the invitation wasn’t lost in the mail.  I very politely gave her a reference for a pet sitting company that I thought did a great job.  It’s been radio silence since then.  What would you do?  I know she is mad that I didn’t come to her shower but my heart dog needed me.  I didn’t have any good options.  Also she never asks me how Bosco is doing or how I am holding up.  I thought that I left the mean girl crap behind in middle school.  What do I do?

 

ok, enough self pity.  Let’s end this post on a pawsitive note.  Here’s my tripawd calander submission photo.  This was just last spring but it feels so long ago.  He was so energetic and had a great time at Hilton Head!